Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Maybe Birthdays Are So Last Season...
You'd think having lived 12,000+ plus days that I'd really have this life thing figured out... Turns out I don't. Here's what my journal entry might look like if I kept a journal.
Day 12,234:
Dear Diary,
I suck at being healthy. It's been about three weeks now that I have had this sinus infection. You should see what's coming out of my nose... it's madness. Everyone around me is dieting and eating healthy and I find myself continually repulsed by their good behavior. In other news, I got a paper cut underneath my fingernail from the label of a bottle of salad dressing in my fridge. Seriously, what are the odds? It really stings. I'm not very good at life...
Sincerely,
JTS22
Ridiculous, I know.
This discovery of my age in days got me thinking... I'm not a big fan of celebrating my birthday, however, I am now a huge fan of celebrating 1,000 day milestones.
So consider this your personal invitation to JTS22's 13,000 Days of Life Festival. It will be held on April 5th, 2013. If you already have plans, I suggest you cancel, because this party is going to change your life for the better.
I imagine it a lot like the State Fair. Pants optional. Please RSVP.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Maybe Public Service Announcement: Blog-stalker On the Loose...
So, I have had a wicked case of blog-stalking the last few days. It’s been… I don’t know, weird?
I should be more specific, I have been Mormon blog-stalking. Can you believe how “blessed” everyone is? It’s crazy! It’s a whole blogging community of incredibly blessed and blissful people where nary a thing goes awry. It’s seriously like we’re all in Katie’s world—where everyone is a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies! It’s weird people!
I seriously had to pull up a youtube video of baby seals being clubbed to death just to feel normal again.
It would be so refreshing to read a blog “About me” profile that said something like:
Ken Doll and I met at BYU. I didn’t really like him and was horrified when he proposed. I said yes only out of fear; my prospects were few and I was totally worried that I would become an old maid (and we all know about ‘those girls’). We got married in the (fill-in-the-blank) temple. We have (choose at least one but no greater than four) children. I now spend most of my life fixing meals, cleaning up the dishes, cleaning up after the kids, doing the laundry and trying to keep pee off of the toilets. I do a little crafting and blogging on the side ;) By the end of the day I am totally trashed… at which point I have to begin thwarting the incessant sexual advances of Ken Doll. Somehow, we’re keeping it all together. We are so blessed and just so happy with life.
But then again, would I be so comically entertained if everybody didn’t put their best foot forward and show how perfect their world is and how blessed and saintly they are on their blogs?
Hmmmmm….
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Maybe Disney Dot Com, Sucka
1. It is no big secret that Disneyland is the better of the two parks (the other being California Adventure); better, at least, for the kids. Therefore, I offer this tidbit of wisdom: when presented with a “which shall we do first” scenario, always go with Disneyland. Why? Because, by day two your feet are sore, you’re a little sleep deprived, their little legs are tired, etc… It’s just best to use that good first-day energy up at the best places—on the best rides. We made the bizarre mistake of swapping the order this year. Not our best choice.
2. So, you should know that you should NOT plan on “running into” characters like you did in the good ol days. Despite the damage control Disney attempted concerning their Photopass fiasco (see here) there are literally NO characters roaming the park. Freakin’ liars! You will not run into them. There will be no candid moments of your kids spotting Mickey or a Disney Princess across the way and running gleefully into their arms. Simply won’t happen. I do not want to hear you crying about it, cause I frickin’ warned you.
3. If you are heading “that-a-way” this year there are some things you should know: Star Tours is closed for a big “update”. Luckily I knew that before we got to the park. That could have been tragic. An update to what is already a great ride sounds like good times to me. So, hopefully I’ll make it back someday for the updated ride. Also, Splash Mountain is closed for maintenance… til’ like May! What the crap!? This was news to us at the gate, the day we arrived at the park. Splash Mountain is pretty much a family fave for us, so it was quite a blow to start the day that way. $%@#$@#$& Disney!!!
4. Let’s carry the Splash Mountain discussion over into number four. “Closed for maintenance”. You want my honest opinion? I kind of felt like, for the first year ever, that the parks were looking a little… worse for ware? I think Disney needs to close the doors entirely for a bit and spruce everything up. Pressure wash the whole damn park. Throw on a fresh coat of paint. Fluff the fur on some of the characters. Do some heavy maintenance on the rides that really need it—you know, cause they’re ALWAYS broken (i.e.- Space Mountain, The Matterhorn, etc…). Seriously, close the doors for like three months Oct, Nov, Dec (or more) and revitalize the park and then have a huge Grand Opening. People will go nuts to be at the Grand Re-Opening of the newly polished Disney. You could make it quite the affair. I will not charge you any money for this awesome idea.
5. Have you ever seen the movie Cars? I have. More times than I can count with both hands and feet. It’s Bubba’s favorite movie. It has grown on me tremendously. And I would like to inform the director John Lasseter, via this HUGE blog, that apparently his film’s message was not lost on me. Driving to California always used to seem so awful. I dreaded it! But this last time, I seemed to actually enjoy the trip. I was looking at all the different landscapes. Appreciating little old Motels on the side of the highway, in tiny little towns. Lamenting the old abandoned buildings of those same towns and wondering what they looked like when the highway was a two lane road. Somehow the drive to California from Utah seemed totally bearable. How about that!?
6. I had assumed that by building a Disneyworld resort in Hong Kong, that the Asian tourist population at the California parks would dip substantially. I mean, it’s right there in there back yard. I was 100% wrong. They are still there in full force. Impressively.
7. Disney has somehow (maybe this is part of the “magic” they are always talking about), but somehow, they have conditioned me/tricked me into feeling okay about paying $3.00 for a 20 oz bottle of coke. I feel very exposed sharing that with all of you.
8. I don’t mind lines. They are part of the amusement park experience. Anyone who goes into Disney with the expectation that they are going to have very little waiting time for rides is just really setting themselves up for a miserable day of disappointment and frustration. What I do mind? Pushy people in lines. Case in point: I was standing in line with my pretty wife, my three bubbly children and my very patient mother-in-law at the ever popular Finding Nemo submarine ride. We were at the very tail end of a long line and there was about a four to five foot gap between ourselves and the group in front of us. Not much space at all really. We were chatting and waiting patiently when the matron of another family came flying down the chains with here little family in tow. She approached us, saw the VERY SMALL gap between us and the group in front of us and went to step between my wife and myself to move into that space! She stopped short and looked up at me, and said very nastily and very annoyed, “Oh! Are you in line?” What!? Are you serious lady? Am I in line? No, I stand here everyday with my wife and kids and just watch people pass through these cattle guards. We were well within the ropes… not like we were standing out in open, undefined space. I was taken back enough that I was literally speechless at her audacity. Though I did not respond audibly, Mrs. Pushy Pants must have discerned my annoyance. She stepped back and gruffly said, “Sorry.” What in the hell did she want me to do? Butt hump the people in front of me to ensure there was no space? Who are these people!?
9. I am pretty sure Mickey has had some “work” done. The guy does not look a day older than when I saw him as a kid. So much so that he is sporting a “Kidman” forehead. You know, the kind that doesn’t move—has no expression? Kind of a little on the freaky side? And I’m not one to point fingers. I understand it is fairly normal practice in “the business” of Hollywood. I guess I’m just making an observation. Just call me Isaac Freakin’ Newton.
10. You always see someone you know at Disney. Always. But, if I may brag a little, I laid out an awesome line when I had my “run in to someone you know” moment at Disney this last time. I was standing in the bathroom in Toon Town, waiting for Bubba to finish washing his hands. As we turned to walk out, in walks Matt Hyer. A kid I grew up with from my lifelong home ward in Sandy. I stopped short. I didn’t smile or anything, I looked him up and down and said, “Matt Hyer… of all the bathrooms in all the world.” He looked terrified! He quickly searched his shirt for a name tag or something and then stuttered, “You… you know who I am?” In his defense, we had not seen each other for years and I did have on some aviators. He studied me for a second and finally recognized me. It was pretty funny. Fun to see Matt, his wife and kids and his mom and sis.
Seriously. Of all the bathrooms….
Friday, February 11, 2011
Maybe It's All About the...
I have had this weird obsession with facial hair of late. Is it because I can't grow one right now? I don't know. All I know is that I want a serious mustache or a crazy beard or something.
I wish I had a big fuzzy beard and people were like, "I would really love to just curl up in your beard and take a nap?" That would be sweet.
A big fuzzy beard- that people just wanted to climb inside it and live.
Or like a Magnum P.I. stache.
Any of those would do really.
Thanks for listening. I feel better having talked about it.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Maybe My Water-Cooler Monday Confession...
I missed all of it.
I was reading Sam the Pup with my son, coloring with my girls and then playing a few rounds of Apples to Apples Jr. with all of them just before bedtime. When I finally got around to clicking the tube on, they were handing the trophy to Green Bay.
I will read the articles today on ESPN.com and SI.com. I'll watch a few videos as they rehash the big plays over and over. Sure, I'm curious how it went down. But I don't really feel like I missed out on much...
Except for the movie commercials!!!
So, item Numero Uno on my to-do list today was to search out all of the movie adds that premiered last night. Got to say, I was not let down. Three Super Bowl spots def caught my eye:
First off, as many of you know, I have been sucked in to the little cult that thinks JJ Abrams is an all-knowing all-powerful mega-super wizard with magical skills that allow him to make incredibly awesome picture films. Ever since the teaser hit theatres in the previews before Iron Man 2 back in May 2010 I have been following Super 8. You have to admit one thing about Abrams- the guy knows how to dangle a carrot! That's for sure. So after almost a year now, it was great to get a little more (and it was just a little) footage. And that's all you got. I don't think we understand the plot any more now than we did back in May 2010. I guess I feel like the film has more of an "adventure" feel to it with the latest teaser, and with the initial teaser I got more of a "thriller" feel. So that's different. Different in a good way I say. Also, I definitely see the Spielberg influence in this trailer. I am excited for this movie!!!
Next one I found was the new Captain America teaser. Every geek eye in the world is on this film. EVERYBODY knows who Captain America is- whether they like him or not. For over 70 years now Steve Rogers has been a staple of our comic world. Captain America is the great constant reminding us of all the ideals of what the good ol US of A used to stand for. The guy comes from an era that I can barely comprehend. The same place Grandpa came from. A time and place when morals actually existed. For an entire generation he embodied every father, son and brother that went off to fight evil. He was the original Uncle Sam incarnate (not the tax-collecting Uncle Sam of today) off to bash in the heads of the Axis. Captain America is the Fighting Spirit that once existed in the USA. Before we became all entitled and self-loathing.
Needless to say, I get a little peeved when cynics cast him off as a goof. Even more so when they make him out to be a politcal tool, or a "gimick" from the extreme right just because of his patriotic themed costume. You see, unfortunately wrapping yourself in the American flag has come to mean very little today. In fact, I would dare say there are those who abuse the privilege of enshrouding themselves in the stars and stripes- without an inkling of the sacrifice that brought it to existance and maintained it's significance. But the Cap stands as a reminder that divided we fall- a concept totally lost on this generation's warring two-party system.
Am I waxing nostalgic and idealistic on a stupid little movie trailer? Sure. I guess so. But let me tell you something, there are a LOT of other geeks out there like me, who have hopes and dreams of what a Captain America movie could be. We hold the source material as pert near sacred. We are all excited and nervous and just a plain mess for the release of this movie. I, for one, am very encourage and excited by this latest trailer. Captain America looks tremendously promising!
And finally, we look with cautious optimism toward the third installment of my beloved childhood cartoon-themed movies: Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. People have REALLY hated on Bay's first two. They were not without their faults- no doubt. But I feel like a lone ranger by being one who has really enjoyed them. What can I say? Michael Bay is really good at one thing- BLOWING CRAP UP! Watching giant robots battling across planet earth, shape-shifting into awesome cars and jets and stuff... yah, I guess that's my shtick! I mean, Chicago looks like it just gets decimated! Who wouldn't watch that? And at the end of the trailer, when Optimus swoops in and starts kickin' robot stuff! Oh sheesh!!!! If you watched the first two movies and hated them, just do me a favor and watch this trailer and then try and tell me you're not thinkin' "Wow! That looks pretty intense."
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Maybe Just A Few More Lines...
Ready? Okay. I HATE IT when a song fades out at the end. Seriously. Hate it. Is there a bigger cop out!? These people are "artists" and they can't take a second to finish their songs on a beat or a note? Really!? Can you imagine the Mona Lisa slowly fading to just blank canvas? Really? Or, the Sistine Chapel slowly panning to a plain unpainted ceiling? Really!? Or the statue of David slowly fading back to unshaped rock? It's absurd! What if the great novels of history just kind of faded to a blank page... rambling on and on through the end, leaving the story line totally unfinished? How is this practice acceptable? I would love to be a fly on the wall when these decisions are made. Is it the band's idea? The producer's? When they are rehearsing and they have 99% of the song hashed out, who says, "Well, I guess we'll just slowly fade out here while we keep playing these last bars over and over and over...?" And a room full of artists just kind of nod their head in agreement? It literally makes no sense. And we're not talking about a song here or a song there. This is a general practice within the industry! It's just plain shocking.
Here's my advice- take the extra time, sit down and finish the damn song. Frickin' ridiculous that we are even having this talk.
Bye.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Maybe I am Going to Keep Trying...
Also, a very pleasent surprise, The Boxer Rebellion pre-released their new album The Cold Still this week (was due to release Feb. 8th). If you're not excited about that, would it help for me to tell you that the album was produced by Ethan Johns (worked with Kings of Leon and Ray LaMontagne)? Everything I have heard from it so far indicates that it is a very strong follow up to their Union album. These cats are doing it! Good stuff. Here is a track 1 from their new album:
And just for fun, here is my still favorite The Boxer Rebellion song, Flashing Red Light Means Go:
Also, David Lowery released his first solo album today! Don't make me feel old by saying, "Who is David Lowery?" I guess I'll explain for you youngin's... Have you ever heard of a little band called Camper Van Beethoven? Yah- he's that guy. And if that doesn't mean anything to you, then we probably shouldn't be talking. I couldn't find any samplings of it out on the world wide web, but you should probably seek it out on your own and give it a go. If the last 25 years of his career have been any sort of indication, it will be worth it.

I'm going to call it quits there. Go listen. Have fun. Love you all. Bye.