Once upon a time… in a land far far away, life was quiet and simple. It was a land where people used to have big bulky square TVs with rabbit ears and five channels. No cable, satellite dishes or DVRs. While that may scare the crap out of some of you, I assure you, it was a quiet and a peaceful time. See, with only five channels and no DVR the people were left to decide what to watch on TV...
Judge Judy
or Judge Maria Lopez?
Judge Greg Mathis?
or Judge Marilyn Milian?
You HAD to pick people!!! There was no DVR that allowed you to watch Judge Lynn Toler
while you recorded Judge Hatchett!
Perhaps many of you, like me, remember stressing out, ready to blow something cause you couldn’t decide between Judge Joe Brown
or Judge Wapner!?
Remember that? Now we have DVR’s and I have to sit on my couch and watch ALL the judges!!! Because I can!!! This consumption of copious amounts of worthless television is indeed providing me with an increase in the elasticity of my skin. Still, however great that benefit may or may not be, I am totally starting to question whether it’s really worth it.
You already know where this is going. I am sick of you. I get it, okay. You can beat the crap out of me. You can sneak up on me, and then beat the crap out of me. Seriously, enough already. Go find some other lame white guy with no skills to mercilessly beat the crap out of with your ninja fu. Bastards.
Kind regards, Me
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Dear Mr. One-upper at work,
You’re right. You do everything better, faster, longer, stronger, straighter, more difficult, easier, harder, shorter, lighter, more Christmasy, more spiritual, more manly, more metro, more cowboy, more emo, smarter, darker, heavier, on more continents, with less and more talents, with both feet or one, with right and left hands, sixth senses, catlike agilities, with bigger budgets and no money at all, more like your great great dead grandpa and less like mine, in big cars or small, on land or on sea, on earth, mars and beyond. You rock. Because you have told us—we all now know. Thanks.
I understand that you have been indoctrinated by management with the concept of full 100% customer service. However, I am not shopping at Walmart for a friend nor for small talk. I do not mean to be rude, but I am not interested in talking about each item as you scan it, how much you like it, what I great price you think it is, or how many you bought for your daughter. I don’t want to talk about the weather or how long your shift is today. I think the best way to serve me is to both quickly and efficiently scan my items and let me be on my merry way.
Ummmm… this is awkward. But, did you know that you’re a mother and not a teen fashion model? If you haven’t caught on to the concept, I really don’t think my letter will change anything.
I was quietly enjoying lunch with my wife and son when you so rudely interrupted… with your B.O. From one table over. Hey buddy, I like my wings. Do you really feel like you need to take that from me? You’ve already ruined the D.I. for me. I think it was totally inappropriate of you to come in there and ruin my lunch like that. I mean- who do you think you are? I guess my letter isn’t to tell you to bathe… just let me have my wings please?
I am not sure if you are aware, I am 32 years old. I would REALLY appreciate your consideration of my age before you start acting all old and crap. I would like to play basketball once in a while, without taking a bottle of ibuprofen afterward. I think it is absurd how you pout when a low pressure storm moves in. I am still working on presenting myself as a sexy robust man to my wife, so limping around like a grandpa is cramping my style if you know what I mean! Little help! Throw me a frikkin’ bone here buddy.
Okay, let’s just premise this little beauty by making it clear that I am by no means a film critic—in no way, shape or form.That said—oh how I do love the movies!And while my movie going days seem to be waning more and more each year, I think I still saw enough to make my own list.Everyone else is doing it!!! So sit down, shut up and just listen (er… just click away from here, cause…)
Best of 2009:
1. Up:Personally, I can’t believe this isn’t at the top of more critics lists for the year.Maybe they are sick of giving Pixar props?The industry and critics can be funny that way.This movie was so full of heart, without forcing it down your throat.(Which was the biggest problem with Invictus.I left Invictus feeling like Eastwood had manhandled me and forced his feel good on me.I didn’t like that feeling).I dare you to find a more touching piece of cinema than the first 15 minutes of Up.Up—best movie of 2009.
2. Watchmen:Oh this could create an uproar!Most comic book movies are at least somewhat successful because they have an excited cult following.Watchmen seemed doomed from the get go as Alan Moore (co-creator of the comic) did not give the film project his “full blessing” and alienated at least half of the cult.Band-wagoners and neophytes alike followed Moore without ever even seeing the movie.Signing off based on nothing more than a few Moore comments.Their loss!Trust me, there has not been a comic book movie more dedicated to the source material than Watchmen—Snyder was almost religious about it.All they hype is about how stunning Avatar is… I don’t think it could compare to this!Even in 3-D!!!This movie is more visually stunning than the original comic.I could get killed for saying that.Snyder, often criticized for “over stylizing” (read 300) seemed to rein it in and let loose at all the right times. Loved loved loved this movie. (Just watched it again last night- so freakin’ good).
3. Up In the Air: I’ve heard most people say that if they had to pick a 2009 George Clooney performance, their vote would go to Fantastic Mr. Fox (which admittedly I haven’t seen yet…YET!)But I find that hard to believe!Cause he is so great in Up In the Air.It’s amazing to me how much this movie says about our human connections (or lack thereof) without using a “Message”.Combine that with the fact that there is really no resolution, and I am somewhat surprised I like this film!Chalk it up I guess to Clooney’s performance, a tight script and Reitman’s directing.In my book, Reitman is 3-for-3 with Thank You for Smoking, Juno and this gem.The man is on a roll!Easily one of the best films of 2009.
4. District 9:Where did this movie come from!By far the best surprise of 2009.Blasting out of nowhere, with no budget, starring a no-one, directed by a nobody…I love that I was able to see it early enough to have not heard any of the hype.I really think that helped.I knew nothing and expected even less.Pretty sure I was speechless when I left the theatre.
5. Star Trek:I posted a little blog about Star Trek after I saw it.It solidified me as a JJ Abrams fan.I guess this was the final nail in the coffin.Great reboot of what I thought was a dead horse that everyone was just beating over and over and over… and over.I’ve never been a big fan of the TV series.I’m certain this movie garnered more new Trek fans than ever.Lots of action.Lots of fun.
6. Inglorious Basterds:I am not recommending this movie.I guess.If you don’t know, this movie is 99.9% historically inaccurate.It seems funny to me that the historical nature of the film has been in question.To anyone who has seen the film it should be pretty frickin’ obvious that Tarantino wasn’t going for a historical drama here.Saying that Basterds is a historically inaccurate war drama is like saying that Fantastic Mr Fox is an inaccurate nature documentary on foxes!Come on!Call me vindictive, but I loved watching Hitler and his cronies get their comeuppance like they should have!Cause boy, from everything I’ve ever heard that Hitler guy was a real jerk.
7. The Informant!:I loved Matt Damon as Linus Caldwell, the funny/quirky thief trying to make a name for himself living in his parents shadow.His moments in the Oceans trilogy were pretty classic.But I wondered if Damon could carry a lead role with that same quirk.And calling real life Mark Whitacre (Damon’s character) quirky is an understatement.The Informant is a wild ride as it weaves you through the string of lies this real person laid out to the FBI, to his company and to everyone else.And Matt Damon shoulders the role tremendously well.He is hilarious.Not quite as endearing as DiCaprio’s portrayal of real life Frank Abagnale Jr in Catch Me If You Can, but still—you couldn’t quite but help liking the guy despite all his faults.Me liking this film probably isn’t hurt by the fact that it was directed by Soderbergh.We have a pretty good track record.
9. State of Play:There are enough twists and turns throughout to keep most people interested in this fairly intense political thriller.But I think I enjoyed just as much the sub plot and storyline of the romance of newspapers and the death of serious journalism.Russell Crowe was good, but nothing amazing.Ben Affleck… eh, not awful.I think this movie got swept under the rug a bit because it hit theatres just before all the gaudy summer so-called blockbusters.Too bad—it might have done better with a diff release date.
10.TBD:I couldn’t!I just couldn’t fill the tenth slot.Not with so many 2009 movies that I have not seen yet.These are just a few:
Funny People
Away We Go
Drag Me To Hell
The Brothers Bloom
Sherlock Holmes
An Education
Fantastic Mr Fox
The Road
Crazy Heart
Where the Wild Things Are
Avatar
A Serious Man
Any one of them could fill that slot, or push another one out.You never know!
And finally, not to be forgotten.The movie I was disappointed in the most in 2009.Let me set the stage a little for my dissatisfaction… possibly one of my favorite directors, with two of my favorite actors, doing a biopic of someone I have always had a lot of curiosity and interest in… how could this not be good!?
Most disappointing, Public Enemies:Now let’s be real, this was not the worst movie of 2009.Not at all.It just couldn’t live up to my expectations I guess.I was so bummed leaving the theatre that day.So bummed.
As I look back, fondly, upon 2009 and reflect upon my cinematic experiences, all-in-all, I kind of feel like it was a blah year with a few little highlights.I mean, right?
Well, well, well. It’s a brand frickin’ New Year. The pressure for New Year’s resolutions is intense. Everyone is all snoopy wanting to know what each others resolutions are. People at work make it common knowledge what they are resolving to change.
Doesn’t seem like that would work for everyone… ?
I mean, most people resolve to change bad habits, make themselves better. So like, you don’t want that as public knowledge, I mean, right? Like what if you’re a serial killer? You’re not going to be chatting it up at the water cooler at work and be all like, “Well Bob, this year I have recommitted myself to stop killing people, dismembering their bodies and burying them in the woods.”
Long pause.
“And, finally kick this spare tire! by dropping fifteen pounds. My cholesterol is WAY up and the doctor is really riding me to get it down, so…”
Come on! Bob doesn’t want to know that!
So, go change something horrible about yourself, but maybe keep it to yourself…
