Maybe the Family Christmas Newsletter Thingy...

Well, well, well. Here it is Christmas. It’s Christmas time people. And what would Christmas be, really, without a Family Christmas Newsletter. I’m just sayin’…

I’m blowing it out of the water this year. Knocking it out of the proverbial park. This is going to be the craziest, zaniest, most illegal Christmas I have ever thrown. I really don’t care anymore about all the permit fees and heavy duty equipment rental costs. I think I will have proved, in the end, that it was all worth it. The freezing cold weather may numb your fingers, and the economic and political climate may numb your heart, but my Christmas is going to numb your senses!!! Baddest. Christmas. Ever.

As for the past year—as many of you already know I fared well playing Wall Street. It was a good ride in such a tough downturn. But I persevered and played my cards right. Sadly, I lost it all in a bad bet with a peg legged pirate. That darn cuss monkey! You know, it really is true what they say about pirates…

As for my legal woes, good news abounds. We were able to negotiate outside of court and I will not be “sporting the orange suite” as they say, for the next 15-to-life. And if I ever come across another pack of well trained monkeys, well… let’s just say I know how to respond this time. Lesson learned.

I am still employed! (knock on wood) But not being one to put all my eggs in one basket, I decided to try and run a small business out of my home. You know, a lil mom and pop shop. A little sumthin sumthin on the side. After reviewing countless business models and MLMs a news story caught my attention one night. It was a story of yet another meth lab in a home being put out of business. The big tycoons are always saying that being successful is all about finding your niche. Well, right then and there I thought, “Here is a suffering business that I could really have an impact on.” I did all my research and after just a few months had the lab up and running like a well oiled machine. As it turns out, the labs were failing because it is a highly illegal operation and police were shutting them down and shipping the people off to prison. As I felt like prison would negatively impact our bottom line, much to the chagrin of my investors, I called it quits. On a totally unrelated note, if any of you get a phone call from a man with a thick husky latino accent looking for a Berny Sanchez… just say “wrong number” and hang up. Totally unrelated.

Speaking of meth labs, monkeys, pirates, Christmas and Wall Street—my script has been reviewed by a top industry producer! He hated it so much that it caused him to lose hope in the business. He up and quit and has taken a vow of silence in a monastery somewhere in Tibet where no script will ever touch him again. In a strange way, I like to think that my script has already served a purpose in allowing him to make that difficult life change. I’ve taken the professional advice of an “insider” and decided to try and push my script on the Lifetime television network, because it is a Christmas movie after all. Lifetime eats that shiz up!

You all probably already noticed that this is the first year in who knows how long that I have not, in some indirect way, been involved with any 20/20 or Unsolved Mystery episodes. While I was getting face time on TV with previous gigs, it turns out that being investigated on countless murders and disappearances wasn’t giving me that “foot in the door” that I was looking for. But I make no promises for the coming year! ;) he he.

You know, as I string up the lights and decorate the tree with the wife and kids, I am reminded of Christmas’ past. I remember bundling up on snowy Christmas eves and driving down to Arby’s as a family. I remember dad, looking all festive in his Christmas sweater would buy like a gazillion ‘Five for Fives’ and we would box them up and head on down to the homeless shelter. At $2 a pop we made a good profit and feel good about feeding hungry people.

I’m older now. Heck, we’re all older. And the older you get, the more it seems to sink in how dangerous robots are. And I’ve decided that the best way to recognize a robot is by their thick heavy mustaches. Still, it wouldn’t be Christmas if the human race wasn’t in peril of being cooked by robot death rays. Wouldn’t be Christmas at all really.

And so, in conclusion, at this festive time of year Jts22, The Nurse, children #1, #2 and The Bubba love you all and are Wishing you a Merry Christmas free of any legal problems and a happy robot free New Years.