Maybe Cats Can Suck It...

Okay. Seriously, I am done with cats. I did not sleep a WINK last night because pretty much the last thing I saw was this…

What the… what was that? Are you cat people seriously that friggin’ weird? And if you’re not, you should be offended that cat marketers think they are targeting you with THAT!

I wish house cats were on the endangered species list. Then, the only time you would see them would be at the zoo. That would be awesome. They would display the house cat in it’s “natural environment” and the zoo would have like this dilapidated looking house with an old lady rocking in the family room and she would be surrounded by disgusting newspaper that’s ‘catching’ the kitty poop and she would be surrounded by like 20 endangered cats.

Have you ever watched the orcas play with little seals? They slap them with their big orca tail and the seals go flying like fifty feet in the air. If I had a big ol orca tail I would probably slap cats around. I would probably lose my job and stuff. Cause I would be so enthralled in slapping cats with my orca tail and watching them fly through the air that I would just continually forget to go to work. And my wife would be like, “We need to get that orca tail removed! All you do is slap cats into the air ALL DAY LONG!” Plus she would hate having to alter all of my shorts and pants to accommodate my orca tail. Plus if I was out of the water too long my tail would probably start to stink and it would dry out and chafe. Good heck, can you imagine trying to apply lotion to that huge tail!? But in a lot of ways it seems like it would be worth it to watch those damn cats go flying fifty feet in the air.

Maybe A Lesson On...

It has been said that the species called Humans (Kingdom: Animalia; Phylum: Chordata; Subphylum: Vertebrata; Class: Mammalia; Subclass: Theria; Infraclass: Eutheria; Order: Primates; Suborder: Anthropoidea; Superfamily: Hominoidea; Family: Hominidae; Genus: Homo; Species: Sapien) are a social animal. Whomever foolishly conjectured such gibberish certainly has never stood at their parents home surrounded by countless concourses of brothers and sisters, in-laws, and nieces and nephews and felt that familiar panic—that voice, the one that says, “Oh my gosh! I have got to get out of here! What was I thinking. Quickly—back to the cave.” It begs the question, what is it about us humans that makes us just want to be alone and away from others of our species. What makes us want to stay home on Thanksgiving—trading turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy for a bowl of Cookie Crisp? What makes us hope that the weekend will bring heavy snow cause it’s the best excuse for staying locked in? Diego Luna? What is it in the average human that makes them hope with all of their heart as they approach the entrance doors of a theatre that they are the only person who decided to see this matinee and will get to enjoy their movie in a completely empty theatre? Why are we like this? Until I see drastic evidence otherwise, I am going to fly in the face of Big Bad Science and say Humans are not naturally social creatures.

And it's not like I sit and think and dream about beards all day long. There is more to me than beards. I am deeper... multifaceted and heck-a-awesome. I like mustaches too man.

Dee Egg Oh! Lou Nah!

Maybe Pure Genius Unrecognized....

Seriously.... for the life of me I CANNOT figure out why hamsters aren't used more frequently...



Hamsters... they're a no brainer!

Maybe You Can Help... Again...

Nanosphobia... it's a real problem in the United States these days.

Please take time and donate to the National Nanosphobics Foundation today.

Nanosphobia- it's no small matter.



(Paid for by the NNC and individual contributors. Nanosphobia is not real, and these people are freakin' out of their gourds. If you know or come upon a nanosphobic it is highly recommended that you emit a strong and offensive odor as nanosphobics are extremely sensitive to smell. If the nanosphobic persists, you will most likely have to use physical force to deter them-- but don't worry, they're scared of midgets for hells sake).

Maybe You Can Help...

Coulrophobia... it's a real problem in the United States these days.

Please take time and donate to the National Coulrophobics Foundation today.

Coulrophobia- it's no laughing matter.




(Paid for by the NFC and individual contributors. Coulrophobia is not real, and these people are freakin' out of their gourds. If you know or come upon a coulrophobic it is highly recommended that you make yourself appear as large as possible and make as much noise as you can. If the coulrophobic persists, fall into the fetal position, making sure you protect the back of your head and neck, and hope the psycho loses interest.)

Mabye Branding is Everything...

Have you ever noticed how freaking easy it is to mix up the names William Shatner and Sherwin Williams? If I had a dollar for everytime I embarrassingly said I was going to grab a can of paint over at William Shatners....

Damn you Shatner. Damn you.

Maybe I Overthink Things...

Yesterday a co-worker asked, "Can you help me real quick? I need another set of eyeballs on this." There was this strange awkward moment where I contemplated the odds that he really wanted to pull my eyeballs out of their sockets so he could use them for a minute and then he would give them back- a weird transfer of slimy and now bloody eyeballs. I panicked! Mumbled something incoherent and went and hid in the larger handicap stall in the men's bathroom for a good 45 minutes.

Turns out it's just an expression and he only wanted me to look over a quote with him.