Maybe For the Children, For the Children!!!

So, like, I’ve decided that nursery rhymes are supposed to have morals and shiz. To teach the children. To mould and sculpt their young pliable elasticky brains and turn them into stalwart citizens. You know, people who mow their lawns and don’t let the weeds get out of control cause if they do then all the neighbors around them (especially those in the path of standard wind directions) will get weeds in their lawn too and will spend countless hours and days and endless products trying to defeat the weed army creeping into their yard and with their eyes all blood shot and their hands on their hips they stare frustratingly at the afore mentioned neighbors yard cause all the efforts to keep the weeds at bay seem pretty worthless since that guy refuses to do anything about his damn weeds and everyone else just gets to pay the price for his recklessness. You know- something like that. Stalwarty.

And so, with 32-years of stockpiling mass amounts of knowledge into my brainium, I feel I am ready to tackle some of these dang nursery rhymes that never made sense to me as a kid, and unlock the deep meanings and lessons buried within the cutsie pootsie rhyming words. Let’s crack these suckers!:

“London Bridge is Falling Down”

Nothing ever lasts. Get it in your heads you little twits!!! It’s all crumbling down around you, so learn to deal with it. Not only bridges, but the ‘fair Lady’ too. You see, the word ‘fair’ is an 1800’s synonym for ‘hot’. The hot girl is going to leave you man… just deal with it. The buildings and bridges are all falling, your age is falling and failing and the hot girl is going to leave you. It’s life- deal with it.

“Pat a Cake” or “Patty Cakes”

Listen kids, this one is about how incredibly demanding the world will be on you. Mostly in the work place—“Bake me a cake as fast as you can.”

Boss: Johnson!!! Where the hell is that sales projection report!!??

Johnson: Um… you asked for that about 5 minutes ago sir.

Boss: And I needed it freakin’ yesterday Johnson!!! What in the world is wrong with you Johnson!? Good hell. I want that report on my desk NOW!!! I want it on my desk ten minutes ago. I want that report so pretty and perfect that it would make a nun weep just to smell it!!!

And children, let me just say, make sure you “mark it” just like the nursery rhyme tells you to! Mark that sales report!!! Put your name ALL OVER IT!!! Otherwise, your buttface boss will most definitely take the credit for all the work you put into that report when he presents it to the Executive Leadership Team. As Bob is my witness, he WILL take credit, if you don’t mark, mark, mark the crap out of that Sales report.

“Humpty Dumpty”

Interestingly, this one seems a little more geared towards mom and dad. So… if your surname is Dumpty… well? I’m just sayin’! Humpty? Probably isn’t the best name to give your kid! Equally important while considering that name, is that he was an egg. I mean, come on!!! You’re not even giving the kid a chance! Shaped like an egg and named Humpty Dumpty. Pretty sure, all things considering, Humpty didn’t fall off the wall, he jumped!!! Who wouldn’t!? All the kings horses and all the kings men and all the kings shrinks didn’t have a prayer of putting the emotional mess that was Humpty D. back together ever.

Side note: I find it interesting that horses were even invited to that event. Not one horse either, but ALL of the horses. Umm… we’re talking about egg shells!!! And you have all these huge ½ ton beasts stomping around on hard fingerless hooves trying to put delicate little egg shells back together!? What is that crap? Those horses are doing more harm than good, that’s for dang sure. They don’t even have opposable thumbs to pick up the tiny little pieces. Think about it! If I had to imagine like the perfect tool, I think a horse hoof would do the trick as an egg shell crusher!

“Jack and Jill”

I am amazed at the foresight of this author! How in the world did he know that hundreds of years later, in an entirely different country, his posterity would be repeating this rhyme, and finally with some relevance!?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after.

Up got Jack, and home did trot

As fast as he could caper

He went to bed and bound his head

With vinegar and brown paper.

Did you hear that? ‘Bound his head with vinegar and brown paper’! Have you ever heard a better, a more graphic, and more in-your-face description of socialist and Obama healthcare? This is what you’re in for kids! No specialists to fix that broken crown! Rub some dirt on it, or some vinegar, and forget bandages, we’ve got brown butcher paper that you can suffuse with your bleeding head.

Also, they sure talked funny back then. I mean, ‘to fetch a pail of water’? That’s what they called it back then? Nice euphemism.

Boy #1: Um… where’s Jack? Let’s go play whatever games they played back in these times.

Boy #2: He’s with Jill.

Boy #1: Eesh… he’s ALWAYS with that tramp.

Boy #2: Yah, I know. They went to “fetch a pail of water” (wink wink) if you know what I mean!

Boy #1: Sigh. Yes, Mike, I know what you mean. That joke was funnier the last 50 times you told it.

Boy #2: Let’s go throw rocks at the peasants.

Boy #1: Nice! Let’s do this shiz!

Jack and Jill go ‘fetch a pail of water’ (wink wink), and Jack fell and Jill tumbled after. Um, doesn’t take a rocker surgeon to figure out that we’re talking about STD’s. Kids, avoid STD’s at all costs, or you will most certainly tumble after and be very uncomfortable in social situations and on blind dates and first dates and stuff and have to spend lots of money on creams and ointments. And you may want to stay away from Jill also.

Listen, we could go all day. But I think I’m just showing off now—flexing my big ol brains and all. Cracking these tough nuts for all of us to glean the intended knowledge the authors meant for us to receive while reading their awesome rhymes. I’m still waiting for the local community library to invite me to come and do readings and interpretations for the visiting school children. It’s weird, cause I sent them a sampling of my stuff and thought I would get a call right away, but that hasn’t really been the case—I haven’t heard jack crap from the old hag. They’re probably totally booked and just waiting for an opening.