Maybe It Will Be Done...

Someday...

Someday I plan to pull off "The Perfect Crime" much like this genius:

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=12139016&hl=3

I will plan. I will plot. I will scheme and obsess until it is perfect!!! The police investigating it will be so lost and confused and turned around... they will probably just break down into tears. Ha ha. Poor guys.

This is gonna be awesome!

Maybe The Best Week Ever... Possibly...

Well. It is finished. Another week at Blaine come and gone. As we sit back and recall the fond memories of the week, I can't help but think of all the things I learned...

- I learned that it's still too soon for mustaches. They are generally frowned upon. (Though- it's the only thing I can think of that got me out of that speeding ticket! Highway Patrol still loves a good stache!!!) As for me... I say long live Magnum P.I.

- I learned that ducks poop in the water. Sure- you might be saying, "Well that's silly." But what you might not know is that while that poop sits in the water it fosters little microbial bacteria-type thingies, and when unsuspecting fathers swim in those same shallow areas where the ducks like to do their business because his son WILL NOT swim in the deeper part (off the dock) that those little microbial dogs will embed themselves in your skin pores. The result of this little action leaves the look and feel of a mosquito bite. Incredibly itchy. Unbelievably itchy. Imagine that poor father, having so much fun with his children, with literally hundreds of those all over his flesh... Seriously, Blaine is so FREAKING fun!!!

- I learned that none of my in-laws know what kind of animal their spouses kiss like. Shame.

- I was reminded that my dog is a certified freak. He loves boats and swimming. If the boat leaves without him (even if there are still people on the dock) he virtually throws a conniption fit!!!

- I learned a LOT about nutrition. I lot!!! My nutrition I.Q. was blown through the roof.

- I learned that my brother-in-law thinks I look like Fred Flintstone. Apparently not in the complementary way that I first received it. Crap.

- I learned that speedos are totally back in style. Connor and Jesse were killin' it in those trunks!!!

- I came to the indisputable conclusion that Ernest Hemingway is a literary genius. That guy! I wish I had a sliver of that guys writing ability. Just a sliver!!!

- I learned that the Church is true wherever you are in the world... cause the Fast Sunday testimonies were just as crazy and weird in Montana as they are here.

- And finally... I learned that I shouldn't spend SO much time sun bathing, or else this happens...

Maybe Family Fotos For Fools...

I was recently informed that we would be doing family photos at Blaine Lake this year. The following email was my response:

Family photos!!??? Really!!??

Vacation:
Meriam-Webster dictionary says-

Main Entry: ¹va·ca·tion

Pronunciation: \vā-ˈkā-shən, və-\

Function: noun

Usage: often attributive

Etymology: Middle English vacacioun, from Anglo-French vacacion, from Latin vacation-, vacatio freedom, exemption, from vacare

Date: 14th century

1 : a respite or a time of respite from something : intermission
2 a : a scheduled period during which activity (as of a court or school) is suspended b : a period of exemption from work granted to an employee
3 : a period spent away from home or business in travel or recreation
4 : an act or an instance of vacating

Ummm... I am confused? Still, it seems entirely fitting that the colors are black and gray. Kind of "funeral-esk", right? And why not... I mean, we all know how friggin' painful family photos are. In fact, since we are kicking the week off that way, I have decided to plan a follow-up activity- on Monday we are going to systematically remove everyones finger nails with pliers. While this is considered torture in many countries I really think we could have a good time of it. Plus, mega bonus, we have Britt on hand in case of an severe bleeding. So that's cool.

Now, I figure since we're most likely not getting out of this photo thing, I should give some good input so that we can get the best resulting photo. So, lets get started...

First and foremost, I cannot suggest strongly enough that we do a Star Trek theme. Seems like a no brainer:

If that doesn't work for everyone, we could try some other themes. Like:

Bear suites:

Or, aerobics!:

I think a "Jersey Shore" one would be totally appropriate:

Or, chainmail (cause who doesn't have chainmail):

Or, and this is a REALLY good idea, kittens in our pockets:

Or, if kittens aren't on hand, we could just settle for LASER CATS!!!:

Or, band outfits (but only for the girls, cause the guys would just look silly):

Or, we could always wear our matching cocaine shirts... I still have mine:

And we could all wear shorts like this with our cocaine shirts:

or we could just all wear our Ghostbuster t-shirt instead (over our dress shirts of course- we don't want to look trashy):

We could always go denim:

Or, even better, the denim doggy pile. Classic! Though I would fear for Rand:

Since we'll all have them there, we could do one with all of us in our karate suits:

Or, one where we're all in our dance outfits! Yummy!:

Now that we have some clothing options, I think we need to think about accessories and such. For instance, I think if all the women could get a perm:

and all the guys would grow mustaches:

that would really make the photo pop! Also, if we could keep things on hand for props. Such as:

chainsaws

Maybe one where we all have our bagpipes:

or cabbage patch dolls:

or a naked pregnant woman and a tire

I absolutely insist we do one with a goat... in the living room. Seriously.:

or guns n glasses

you know, something like that, that would really enhance the experience.

I've also been thinking of other ideas like:

muscles and lightning (cause the totally go together):

or one where everyone is wearing a shirt except Rand:

Nothing says family like a creepy picture of 'peekaboo':

Maybe we could do one where Barb is all googley eyed!:

seasonal wear (like Christmas for example)

A pregnant woman in standing in the middle of all of us:

A cat skeleton (preferably a family cat- cause that's not creepy...?):

Speedos in a "butler" stance (guys only!!!):

or speedos with radashes!!! (frickin' sweet!):

Maybe one with Rand on the toilet and the family in the tub:

Or, we could have the whole family floating in Rand's head! That would be so awesome!:

This one seems like a good idea, but they took it a little too far with the Santa hats:

We could just do one in our underwear, cause that's not awkward:

And if that doesn't work, well shoot, let's just do the birthday suit!:

or even better, in our birthday suits and with the family cats:

But seriously, I have one rule. If we are going to take a family photo, no Grandma allowed- I will not stand for Grandma being in the photo!!!:

P.S.- No seriously! All the guys growing mustaches is a REALLY REALLY good idea:

Maybe Best Quote of The Day...

This (just classic) is the opening paragraph from Harry's (of aintitcoolnews.com) review of M. Night Shymalan's The Last Airbender. Ironically, just last weekend, I was discussing with family the slow descent into hell of Shymalans' career. And Harry, he just sums it up about perfectly here:



"I don't get it. Watching what has happened to M. Night Shymalan is a lot like that feeling a lot of people get when we see those with the cardboard signs. You may consider being charitable, but then you remember that knifing you heard about, a car jacking, you can tell that there may have been a good person there before, but he's wallowed one time too many and now... You just find yourself hitting the accelerator."

Ha ha!!! Holy crap that's true.

Maybe Dreams Never Die... or Else They Die Real Hard (like Bruce Willis even)...

So, I’m certain that you have all seen the news of late—that the U.S. discovered a ring of 10 Russian spies coordinating here in the States. How awesome is that!? I mean, we grew up on Cold War U.S.A. vs Soviet spy movies and stories. I thought, quite mistakenly it seems, that after the Cold War ended and the U.S.S.R. went to crap, that all the fun spy stuff was over. I cannot appropriately express the elation I felt when I first read about the discovery of this super awesome, super secret Russian spy group! They were like exchanging large amounts of cash and stuff through spy-like exchanges (like burying the money in a field so another awesome spy could come along later and dig it up!) What the!??? Awesome! And don’t even get me going on the red head! She’s like posing as a journalist/real estate broker and has all these youtube videos and facebook and shiz! What the!?? Awesome! I ALWAYS thought I would be a spy when I grew up. In fact, (I should probably not post this publicly) I was part of a super secret spy team when I was a young boy. You would not believe the training we went through. Pretty sure I was even tortured once…? All I can say is “Green Bar Green Berets!!!”

Needless to say, the ending of the Cold War was devastating to my dream of becoming a spy. And the final dismantling of the Soviet Union simply crushed the dream completely. I didn’t want to go spy on Iran or Iraq or North Korea (heaven forbid!) I wanted to spy on good ol’ fashioned Russians! I wanted to see what those Red bastards were up to! I wanted to take awesome pictures with a sleek super mini super subtle super awesome spy cam and send those bad boys back to headquarters and hear the praises from my station chief about how good my pictures were and how they were helping our country be more awesome than Russia (which is totally true). I wanted to establish awesome contacts and awesome assets and use them to my leisure and when I had bled them for any awesome spy info or resource, toss them out with yesterday’s paper (which may or may not have contained an awesome secret spy message in the “Want-ads” section)… you’ll never know.

Anyway, as soon as I found out about these recent spies… I hit the treadmill of course! My dream is back on baby! I have to be in tip top shape if I am going to get into the resurrected spy game! (Just don’t tell The Nurse, she thinks I’m exercising cause I’m fat and just want to get back to my Brad Pitt-like physique. She doesn’t really know about the whole spy thing). So…

Future blog posts may be encrypted messages to possible contacts. Do not try to make sense of them. Silly non-spy people.

Maybe Will The Real Daddy Please Stand up...

Okay- this so spot-on I just had to share...

Maybe, The More You Know...

During all this World Cup hullabaloo someone was asking me, do you think that soccer will finally become a mainstream sport in the United States? My answer? Um... no. And this is partially why...


Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

So... there you have it. Straight from the news.