Maybe It's the Least I Could Do...

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word ‘power’? I’m talkin’ brute force, mind blowing, all conquering totally overcoming POWER!!! What do you think of? Handlebar mustaches?

Me too!

Which is why I am a lost traveler in a dreary world. Who are all of these hairless people? These waxed and shaved and groomed creatures? These are not the images our minds conjure when we think of power. No.

Take my hand, and come on a little journey through time…

In the beginning…

This rendering of Scythian horseman dates back to 300 B.C. and is one of the first known depictions of bad-assery… er, the ‘stache in human history. Certainly, there can be no misunderstanding that the mustache was making a statement with its first appearance being a handlebar!!!

Let us move forward in time. Crossing over the Black Sea and weaving our way northward through Europe to the lands of the Norsemen. It was 700 A.D. And if you do not know power, then you have never been robbed, plundered and murdered by one of these…

Vikings!!!

Look at how imposing that ‘stache is!!! Dynasties fell, towns burned, nations collapsed, and conquests were made as shaved and hairless panty waists cowered before these mortal gods of war and hair!!! ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Fast forward another 1000 years or so. “Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492”. Enter the Spanish Conquistadores! Sure, their sense of fashion left something to be desired with their plumy hats and MC Hammer pants. But DANG!!! Their face salad was smokin’!

While colonization began to increase behind the Conquistadores, a new breed of bad-assery would be born. This time, upon the high seas! Trust me, while shipping precious cargo between ports, you did not want to bump into one of these guys…

Ahoy matees! Thar blow the pirates! In the vein of the Nordes (Vikings) these gents plagued and plundered the seven sees decimating the finely shaved colonists of Great Britain and Spain with more than just swords and pistols—they imposed great fear with fantastic facial displays of awesomeness.

Let’s continue our journey in time to the now colonized areas of the newly discovered Americas. And don’t get me wrong here, nobody loves and reveres our nation’s Founding Fathers as mush as I do. But dang they dropped the ball on the traditions of mustachery! Adams. Jefferson. Washington. Come on! It was a revolutionary time for our country, but a bleak and dark page in history for the handlebar.

Though, it did not take many years for young men to feel the stirring in their souls and the nakedness of their faces. In 1861, as our nation began to be divided over states rights issues a Civil War (oxymoron, right?) would nearly bring the country to it’s knees. As we look back at this awful moment in time, it is hard to imagine these guys let the straight beards of the North beat them…

Seriously!? We lost? But we have handlbars!

Look at those beauts! Woohey! Slap me down! The ‘Bushwackers’ of the South sure knew what the handlebar was all about—imposing fear on the enemy!

As the South surrendered and the Civil War was ended, it did not take long for Americans to begin pushing the boundaries into the Western frontier… and even more importantly, pushing the boundaries of the ‘stache in its handlebar form. These were displayed by the baddest of the bad, the Cowboys of the American West…

Damnit!

I will shoot you in the head.

Look at Wyatt Earp. Would you mess with that? I dare say you wouldn’t. Just looking at a picture of that ‘stache sends a chill down my spine. That man in that ‘face art’ would shoot you dead if you looked at him wrong. Without even opening his mouth that beauty says, “Sup pardner.” Sup indeed.

Further south, another famous ‘stache was kickin’ A and taking names. His hairy lip said, “I aint takin’ no crap from no one. And most certainly not from a smooth faced gringo!” (Albeit in Spanish). Viva la revelucion!

Pancho Villa! El Guerrero de Mexico. El Padron del bigote. El Merro Merro del pelo de la cara! El que dice- vete a la goma chontes! Ahay!!!

Now, I must be careful here. As we enter into WWI and WWII, I must, with greatest respect, honor the men who fought for freedoms here and abroad. Our grandpas and great grandpas were heroes. The bravest of the brave. The only excuse I can think of for why these great men did not have handlebars was that the military required them to shave. Otherwise, I am most certain that the Nazis and Japs would have straight-up wet themselves when grandpa and friends showed up sportin’ ‘stachies. Staches like this Pres…

I want you to have a handlebar mustache!!!

After Teddy, the handlebar would again dip away from culture. Sure, a brave man would pop up here and another there. But for years, as though it were hibernating, the handlebar would remain silent. But such a beast could not be tamed for long. As we passed through the industrial revolution and the Golden Era of the 50’s and the annoyance of the hippies in the 60’s, the handlebar began to groan and stir from its slumber. A revolution of new rebels and outlaws would be required to lift it from its seeming grave. When some of the brave soldiers of WWII came home, they didn’t want to go to college, they couldn’t afford much, and they wanted to live life on the edge. They found a way. During the war, the invention that was the motorcycle, made leaps and bounds in performance and design. To make them go even faster and look even cooler, these men began to make alterations to the engines and even to the look of the bikes. Cutting off any frills and making them bare bones, bad ass, choppers. It was the beginning of The Biker...

It’s as though the handlebar was waiting for them. Waiting, quietly, for someone bad enough to bring it forth and unleash it upon the masses. One percenters did just that. And they did it in facial fashion!

This pretty much brings us up to date. It is clear, as we study it’s historical pattern, that the Handlebar Mustache is reserved for the most awesome of awesome. The toughest of the tough. The Handlebar is not to be taken lightly. And so, with great reverence, and a salute and nod to those of the past, I present…

My meager attempt.

Long live the
Handlebar Mustache!

Maybe, No Seriously, Check This Out...

Saw this beauty in the mall parking lot last week so I snapped a quick pic with the phone. Solid construction with the 2x4's and OSB. Sleak design. There's really nothing compared to Arkansas engineering. Germans be damned!

Maybe You Should REALLY REALLY Listen To Me...

So, last week's musical recommendation went over about like I expected. Like non kosher beef at a bar mitzvah-- people seemed genuinely horrified. I get it, Social Distortion is an 'acquired taste'. But listen up you schmucks, you really need to listen to me this time. It is worth it. James Vincent McMorrow released his full length album today (greatly overshadowing the now seemingly insignificant fact that my eldest sibling is completing her 40th Birthday- also today). Sorry sis- but this is a BIG deal!

I did a great disservice to each of you by not mentioning his EP release back in October. I am genuinely sorry. It was mostly out of selfishness. Sometimes I just want to keep an artist to myself and call them mine. I've been that way about music most of my life. But over time I begin to realize that the music really does need to be shared.

James will eat your soul. So you should try to prepare yourself for that. Though, try as you may, you will never be prepared for your first experience. Yah... it's like that! And if you're telling yourself, "I just can't be forkin' over $7.99 for a full length album of 13 tracks of hauntingly beautiful music man!" Then shut your trap you cheap drunk and cut your McMorrow teeth on his EP for the mere price of $2.99 (on iTunes).

Don't waste your time listening to Barry give his "State of the Union" talky-thingy tonight. That's all just a circus anyway. I have a WAY better idea for you: download one of the aforementioned albums from Mr. James Vincent McMorrow, curl up in a blanket (solo or, more preferably, with a significant other if one is available) and seriously let yourself be moved and settled all at once by this amazing artist. Go on... do it.

Here's a free sample. It's a fan-made video, but a genuine 100% McMorrow track. You dig? "Follow You Down to the Red Oak Tree"



P.S.- despite my love of and excitement for this album, I am equally depressed and funked about Amos Lee's release last week and Iron&Wine's release this week. I expected SO much more out of these guys! Really a big let down on both. Bummer guys.

Maybe Eat Your Heart Out Cafe Rio...

"Free meal!!!!!"

Gift cert for J-Dawgs sitting in my desk for almost a year now... why yes thank you! That sounds just about perfect.

Mmmmmmmmmm!!!


I am deeply satisfied with lunch.

Maybe The Best News Source Today...

Oh my lands. The ONN (Onion News Network) simply kills me. To tears even.

And if you have IFC you should check out their new show on Friday nights.

But check yo'self- you may throw up from laughing.

Maybe Blow Me Down!!!

Okay, I get that the average person reading my little blog is not going to care a lick about this post. Or any of my other posts really- let's be honest. That said, I simply have to talk about this, and this blog is my outlet...



What!? Wait... What!!? Did anyone else see that Social Distortion released a new album yesterday!!!? WHAT!!!!?? That answers my first question, which is- "Isn't Mike Ness dead?" Apparently not. And apparently the guy still knows how to make a frickin' good punk-rockabily tune! I have not given the entire album a full committed listen. But have spent the last little while listening to a few songs in their entirety and sampling others. This is so much better than anything those tight-pants wearing kids are calling rock. Holy smokes. If you're feeling crazy and thinking to yourself, "Self... I could use some new tunes. Something fresh. Some good rock-n-roll." Well look no further- just go check out Social Disortion's Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes. That should do the trick. The ballad Bakersfield (track 6) is just about to die for. Seriously.

And if you're like, "Social who?" Then check out the albums Social Distortion (1990) and Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell (1992) and get yourself acquainted.

For you who remember these days:



sigh...

Maybe Better Than Ever

With News Years quickly approaching, I thought.... wait. What? It's not 'News' it's New Years? Okay. With New Years... what!? It already happened? Son of a... midget. Can we just... okay... from the top- With NEW Years being within a close proximity of now, I have concocted a plan for self-betterment. And this is good shiz. So, rather than come up with the same old crap I always make up about myself, what with my poor self image and what not, I have decided a "Suggestion Box" would be sweetness.

Awe yah!

We have one at the office, kind of like this:


It even has a sweet padlock on it just like that. I'm guessing they did that because maybe the first time they tried a suggestion box ol sticky fingers what's-his-name was probably pulling off some pretty cool suggestion heists! I mean, right? Cause you know how those office suggestions go! These are primo ideas. Why can't he come up with his own ideas? Why does he have to steal everyone elses? Now the Suggestion Box is locked down like Fort Knox with that padlock thing. Dang.

Anyway, an actual physical suggestion box seemed like it would get little traffic cause I live out There. So, the comments section below this post has officially become the Suggestion Box about how you think I can be better. So, fire away.

One little side note about your suggestions, when I was ten this guy told me I was shooting the basketball wrong and I never forgot and he went missing, like no one ever heard from him again, and I realized like five years later that he was right, I wasn't reaching into the 'cookie jar' on my follow through but it was too late and nothing could be taken back so he probably should have kept his friggin mouth shut and then maybe he would be around watching his kids and grandkids instead of being in a shallow grave... assuming that he is in a shallow grave which we don't know cause he just went missing and nobody knows where he went.

So, yah, let me know!