What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word ‘power’? I’m talkin’ brute force, mind blowing, all conquering totally overcoming POWER!!! What do you think of? Handlebar mustaches?
Me too!
Which is why I am a lost traveler in a dreary world. Who are all of these hairless people? These waxed and shaved and groomed creatures? These are not the images our minds conjure when we think of power. No.
Take my hand, and come on a little journey through time…
In the beginning…
This rendering of Scythian horseman dates back to 300 B.C. and is one of the first known depictions of bad-assery… er, the ‘stache in human history. Certainly, there can be no misunderstanding that the mustache was making a statement with its first appearance being a handlebar!!!
Let us move forward in time. Crossing over the
Vikings!!!
Look at how imposing that ‘stache is!!! Dynasties fell, towns burned, nations collapsed, and conquests were made as shaved and hairless panty waists cowered before these mortal gods of war and hair!!! ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Fast forward another 1000 years or so. “
While colonization began to increase behind the Conquistadores, a new breed of bad-assery would be born. This time, upon the high seas! Trust me, while shipping precious cargo between ports, you did not want to bump into one of these guys…
Ahoy matees! Thar blow the pirates! In the vein of the Nordes (Vikings) these gents plagued and plundered the seven sees decimating the finely shaved colonists of
Let’s continue our journey in time to the now colonized areas of the newly discovered
Though, it did not take many years for young men to feel the stirring in their souls and the nakedness of their faces. In 1861, as our nation began to be divided over states rights issues a Civil War (oxymoron, right?) would nearly bring the country to it’s knees. As we look back at this awful moment in time, it is hard to imagine these guys let the straight beards of the North beat them…
Seriously!? We lost? But we have handlbars!
Look at those beauts! Woohey! Slap me down! The ‘Bushwackers’ of the South sure knew what the handlebar was all about—imposing fear on the enemy!
As the South surrendered and the Civil War was ended, it did not take long for Americans to begin pushing the boundaries into the Western frontier… and even more importantly, pushing the boundaries of the ‘stache in its handlebar form. These were displayed by the baddest of the bad, the Cowboys of the American West…
I will shoot you in the head.
Look at Wyatt Earp. Would you mess with that? I dare say you wouldn’t. Just looking at a picture of that ‘stache sends a chill down my spine. That man in that ‘face art’ would shoot you dead if you looked at him wrong. Without even opening his mouth that beauty says, “Sup pardner.” Sup indeed.
Further south, another famous ‘stache was kickin’ A and taking names. His hairy lip said, “I aint takin’ no crap from no one. And most certainly not from a smooth faced gringo!” (Albeit in Spanish). Viva la revelucion!
Pancho Villa! El Guerrero de Mexico. El Padron del bigote. El Merro Merro del pelo de la cara! El que dice- vete a la goma chontes! Ahay!!!
Now, I must be careful here. As we enter into WWI and WWII, I must, with greatest respect, honor the men who fought for freedoms here and abroad. Our grandpas and great grandpas were heroes. The bravest of the brave. The only excuse I can think of for why these great men did not have handlebars was that the military required them to shave. Otherwise, I am most certain that the Nazis and Japs would have straight-up wet themselves when grandpa and friends showed up sportin’ ‘stachies. Staches like this Pres…
I want you to have a handlebar mustache!!!
After Teddy, the handlebar would again dip away from culture. Sure, a brave man would pop up here and another there. But for years, as though it were hibernating, the handlebar would remain silent. But such a beast could not be tamed for long. As we passed through the industrial revolution and the Golden Era of the 50’s and the annoyance of the hippies in the 60’s, the handlebar began to groan and stir from its slumber. A revolution of new rebels and outlaws would be required to lift it from its seeming grave. When some of the brave soldiers of WWII came home, they didn’t want to go to college, they couldn’t afford much, and they wanted to live life on the edge. They found a way. During the war, the invention that was the motorcycle, made leaps and bounds in performance and design. To make them go even faster and look even cooler, these men began to make alterations to the engines and even to the look of the bikes. Cutting off any frills and making them bare bones, bad ass, choppers. It was the beginning of The Biker...
It’s as though the handlebar was waiting for them. Waiting, quietly, for someone bad enough to bring it forth and unleash it upon the masses. One percenters did just that. And they did it in facial fashion!
This pretty much brings us up to date. It is clear, as we study it’s historical pattern, that the Handlebar Mustache is reserved for the most awesome of awesome. The toughest of the tough. The Handlebar is not to be taken lightly. And so, with great reverence, and a salute and nod to those of the past, I present…
My meager attempt.
Handlebar Mustache!
Mmm. It looks good. It really does... but it's kinda like a Fandlebar Mustache (Fake-Handlebar). It's got the shape of power, but is lacking in length. However, keep this one up and I think people will be bowing out of your way when you're walking around in public very soon.
ReplyDeleteYour ultimate power factor just went up like 20 points. I bet you've become boss at work now, huh, just because of that mustache!
ReplyDelete