Oh my lands. The ONN (Onion News Network) simply kills me. To tears even.
And if you have IFC you should check out their new show on Friday nights.
But check yo'self- you may throw up from laughing.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Maybe Blow Me Down!!!
Okay, I get that the average person reading my little blog is not going to care a lick about this post. Or any of my other posts really- let's be honest. That said, I simply have to talk about this, and this blog is my outlet...
What!? Wait... What!!? Did anyone else see that Social Distortion released a new album yesterday!!!? WHAT!!!!?? That answers my first question, which is- "Isn't Mike Ness dead?" Apparently not. And apparently the guy still knows how to make a frickin' good punk-rockabily tune! I have not given the entire album a full committed listen. But have spent the last little while listening to a few songs in their entirety and sampling others. This is so much better than anything those tight-pants wearing kids are calling rock. Holy smokes. If you're feeling crazy and thinking to yourself, "Self... I could use some new tunes. Something fresh. Some good rock-n-roll." Well look no further- just go check out Social Disortion's Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes. That should do the trick. The ballad Bakersfield (track 6) is just about to die for. Seriously.
And if you're like, "Social who?" Then check out the albums Social Distortion (1990) and Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell (1992) and get yourself acquainted.
For you who remember these days:
sigh...
What!? Wait... What!!? Did anyone else see that Social Distortion released a new album yesterday!!!? WHAT!!!!?? That answers my first question, which is- "Isn't Mike Ness dead?" Apparently not. And apparently the guy still knows how to make a frickin' good punk-rockabily tune! I have not given the entire album a full committed listen. But have spent the last little while listening to a few songs in their entirety and sampling others. This is so much better than anything those tight-pants wearing kids are calling rock. Holy smokes. If you're feeling crazy and thinking to yourself, "Self... I could use some new tunes. Something fresh. Some good rock-n-roll." Well look no further- just go check out Social Disortion's Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes. That should do the trick. The ballad Bakersfield (track 6) is just about to die for. Seriously.
And if you're like, "Social who?" Then check out the albums Social Distortion (1990) and Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell (1992) and get yourself acquainted.
For you who remember these days:
sigh...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Maybe Better Than Ever
With News Years quickly approaching, I thought.... wait. What? It's not 'News' it's New Years? Okay. With New Years... what!? It already happened? Son of a... midget. Can we just... okay... from the top- With NEW Years being within a close proximity of now, I have concocted a plan for self-betterment. And this is good shiz. So, rather than come up with the same old crap I always make up about myself, what with my poor self image and what not, I have decided a "Suggestion Box" would be sweetness.
Awe yah!
We have one at the office, kind of like this:
It even has a sweet padlock on it just like that. I'm guessing they did that because maybe the first time they tried a suggestion box ol sticky fingers what's-his-name was probably pulling off some pretty cool suggestion heists! I mean, right? Cause you know how those office suggestions go! These are primo ideas. Why can't he come up with his own ideas? Why does he have to steal everyone elses? Now the Suggestion Box is locked down like Fort Knox with that padlock thing. Dang.
Anyway, an actual physical suggestion box seemed like it would get little traffic cause I live out There. So, the comments section below this post has officially become the Suggestion Box about how you think I can be better. So, fire away.
One little side note about your suggestions, when I was ten this guy told me I was shooting the basketball wrong and I never forgot and he went missing, like no one ever heard from him again, and I realized like five years later that he was right, I wasn't reaching into the 'cookie jar' on my follow through but it was too late and nothing could be taken back so he probably should have kept his friggin mouth shut and then maybe he would be around watching his kids and grandkids instead of being in a shallow grave... assuming that he is in a shallow grave which we don't know cause he just went missing and nobody knows where he went.
So, yah, let me know!
Awe yah!
We have one at the office, kind of like this:
It even has a sweet padlock on it just like that. I'm guessing they did that because maybe the first time they tried a suggestion box ol sticky fingers what's-his-name was probably pulling off some pretty cool suggestion heists! I mean, right? Cause you know how those office suggestions go! These are primo ideas. Why can't he come up with his own ideas? Why does he have to steal everyone elses? Now the Suggestion Box is locked down like Fort Knox with that padlock thing. Dang.
Anyway, an actual physical suggestion box seemed like it would get little traffic cause I live out There. So, the comments section below this post has officially become the Suggestion Box about how you think I can be better. So, fire away.
One little side note about your suggestions, when I was ten this guy told me I was shooting the basketball wrong and I never forgot and he went missing, like no one ever heard from him again, and I realized like five years later that he was right, I wasn't reaching into the 'cookie jar' on my follow through but it was too late and nothing could be taken back so he probably should have kept his friggin mouth shut and then maybe he would be around watching his kids and grandkids instead of being in a shallow grave... assuming that he is in a shallow grave which we don't know cause he just went missing and nobody knows where he went.
So, yah, let me know!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Maybe My Latest...
Good golly gosh! December/Christmas is a blur. Seriously. Like... I don't remember half of it. Since I wasn't drinking I am thinking that staying up until 4:00 AM multiple times was perhaps part of the reason I feel like I zombied my way through the month (Mountain Dew rocks my world). But it was all for a good cause. See, I was working on some jewelry boxes for The Nurse and the girls. Thought I might do a little show and tell (mostly show) of the project (sorry about the pics, they were taken with my phone and there was an epic amount of dust in there)...
Here is The Nurse's box at a fairly early stage. Four pieces of walnut with both sides dadoed to receive the maple top and walnut bottom. Just need to very carefully 45 the ends:
Here we have the girls boxes with their lids ready to go. The one in the middle still doesn't have a bottom on it, so it needs to be rabbeted and fit with a piece of walnut. As you can see, The Nurse's box is all glued up and ready to have the lid cut from it. Very, very, very carefully cut from it...
After cutting the lid of The Nurse's box it was time to cut in the miter splines. Heck all mighty I was nervous cutting into that nice looking box! Three carefully placed grooves cut into each corner. Then I cut a strip of maple to fit into each groove and glued them all in. Like so:
With the miter splines gluing, I went back to the girls boxes. Completed the construction and sanded them each 100 grit, 120 grit, 220 grit. Wiped them down good with a tack cloth and busted out the BLO!!! (Boiled Linseed Oil... don't be silly). Here they are with the 1st coat of BLO soaking in:
After the miter splines had dried overnight I cut them off with a flush cut saw and it was time to get the dividers and tray insert inside the nurses box done. Unfortunately I was too focused to take any pictures until I was done. But here they are freshly glued up:
(Side Note: in two of the above pictures you might notice the C-clamp on the box body. AAARRGGGGHHHH!!!! I was mortising the back of the box to recieve the brass hinges I had purchased for it. I had a lot of downward pressure on the router so that it would not tip and chew up the box. Well, the depth setting on the router didn't withstand my downward pressure and unbeknowns to me it was sliding. What does that mean? It means that my intent to mortise 1/32 of an inch out for the hinge turned into about 1/4 of an inch!!! Things were thrown. Words were had with the router and his careless actions. The C-clamp is holding a glued-in walnute 'patch' to fix the mistake. Thank heavens it will be under a hinge when all is said and done. What a nightmare that night was!).
Next night, with the walnut patch dried overnight, I cut its edges off and sanded it flush. Honestly, you could barely notice the stupid mistake. Time for some BLO on The Nurse's box! Yeah for BLO!!! Seriously, look how it makes that grain pop. Freakin' awesome:
Well, from here on out it is pretty much the same: apply BLO, let it soak in for 24 hours, sand down any raised grain, apply BLO, let soak in for 24 hours, sand raised grain, apply BLO, etc... I got one coat of varathane on the girls boxes before Christmas eve, but because of the 'set back' on The Nurse's I didn't get any on hers. It will have to be done later. Christmas eve I fit all the hinges (a bit of a nightmare process all its own). And here are the 'mostly finished' boxes delivered Christmas morning. I will put several more coats of finish on them:
There you have it. Three jewelry boxes for three very special girls. I hope each of them knows that I love their stinkin' guts!!! :)
I wish I had some earlier pics, but I didn't think of documenting it until this far in. Anyway, here are the girls boxes just over midway through. They are made of glued up pieces of Walnut, Cherry and Figured Maple. The lid hasn't been built yet for the one on the left and the one on the right, the lid hasn't been cut off of it yet.
Here is The Nurse's box at a fairly early stage. Four pieces of walnut with both sides dadoed to receive the maple top and walnut bottom. Just need to very carefully 45 the ends:
Here we have the girls boxes with their lids ready to go. The one in the middle still doesn't have a bottom on it, so it needs to be rabbeted and fit with a piece of walnut. As you can see, The Nurse's box is all glued up and ready to have the lid cut from it. Very, very, very carefully cut from it...
After cutting the lid of The Nurse's box it was time to cut in the miter splines. Heck all mighty I was nervous cutting into that nice looking box! Three carefully placed grooves cut into each corner. Then I cut a strip of maple to fit into each groove and glued them all in. Like so:
With the miter splines gluing, I went back to the girls boxes. Completed the construction and sanded them each 100 grit, 120 grit, 220 grit. Wiped them down good with a tack cloth and busted out the BLO!!! (Boiled Linseed Oil... don't be silly). Here they are with the 1st coat of BLO soaking in:
After the miter splines had dried overnight I cut them off with a flush cut saw and it was time to get the dividers and tray insert inside the nurses box done. Unfortunately I was too focused to take any pictures until I was done. But here they are freshly glued up:
(Side Note: in two of the above pictures you might notice the C-clamp on the box body. AAARRGGGGHHHH!!!! I was mortising the back of the box to recieve the brass hinges I had purchased for it. I had a lot of downward pressure on the router so that it would not tip and chew up the box. Well, the depth setting on the router didn't withstand my downward pressure and unbeknowns to me it was sliding. What does that mean? It means that my intent to mortise 1/32 of an inch out for the hinge turned into about 1/4 of an inch!!! Things were thrown. Words were had with the router and his careless actions. The C-clamp is holding a glued-in walnute 'patch' to fix the mistake. Thank heavens it will be under a hinge when all is said and done. What a nightmare that night was!).
Next night, with the walnut patch dried overnight, I cut its edges off and sanded it flush. Honestly, you could barely notice the stupid mistake. Time for some BLO on The Nurse's box! Yeah for BLO!!! Seriously, look how it makes that grain pop. Freakin' awesome:
Well, from here on out it is pretty much the same: apply BLO, let it soak in for 24 hours, sand down any raised grain, apply BLO, let soak in for 24 hours, sand raised grain, apply BLO, etc... I got one coat of varathane on the girls boxes before Christmas eve, but because of the 'set back' on The Nurse's I didn't get any on hers. It will have to be done later. Christmas eve I fit all the hinges (a bit of a nightmare process all its own). And here are the 'mostly finished' boxes delivered Christmas morning. I will put several more coats of finish on them:
There you have it. Three jewelry boxes for three very special girls. I hope each of them knows that I love their stinkin' guts!!! :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Maybe some Ray...
I don't know if I can give you a better Christmas present. This is one of my favorite songs, and this live version is absolutely... without sufficient syntax to describe.
His voice... it makes my knees go week. He could be singing War and Peace and I would sit through it completely enthralled. It's like warm butter melting all over me (which happens to be one of my favsey activities- warm butter does).
Seriously, just listen to it...
Lil tid bit o trivia about Ray... he went to high school in Morgan, UT! I knew I liked something about that bloke!
His voice... it makes my knees go week. He could be singing War and Peace and I would sit through it completely enthralled. It's like warm butter melting all over me (which happens to be one of my favsey activities- warm butter does).
Seriously, just listen to it...
Lil tid bit o trivia about Ray... he went to high school in Morgan, UT! I knew I liked something about that bloke!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Maybe the Family Christmas Newsletter Thingy...
Well, well, well. Here it is Christmas. It’s Christmas time people. And what would Christmas be, really, without a Family Christmas Newsletter. I’m just sayin’…
I’m blowing it out of the water this year. Knocking it out of the proverbial park. This is going to be the craziest, zaniest, most illegal Christmas I have ever thrown. I really don’t care anymore about all the permit fees and heavy duty equipment rental costs. I think I will have proved, in the end, that it was all worth it. The freezing cold weather may numb your fingers, and the economic and political climate may numb your heart, but my Christmas is going to numb your senses!!! Baddest. Christmas. Ever.
As for the past year—as many of you already know I fared well playing Wall Street. It was a good ride in such a tough downturn. But I persevered and played my cards right. Sadly, I lost it all in a bad bet with a peg legged pirate. That darn cuss monkey! You know, it really is true what they say about pirates…
As for my legal woes, good news abounds. We were able to negotiate outside of court and I will not be “sporting the orange suite” as they say, for the next 15-to-life. And if I ever come across another pack of well trained monkeys, well… let’s just say I know how to respond this time. Lesson learned.
I am still employed! (knock on wood) But not being one to put all my eggs in one basket, I decided to try and run a small business out of my home. You know, a lil mom and pop shop. A little sumthin sumthin on the side. After reviewing countless business models and MLMs a news story caught my attention one night. It was a story of yet another meth lab in a home being put out of business. The big tycoons are always saying that being successful is all about finding your niche. Well, right then and there I thought, “Here is a suffering business that I could really have an impact on.” I did all my research and after just a few months had the lab up and running like a well oiled machine. As it turns out, the labs were failing because it is a highly illegal operation and police were shutting them down and shipping the people off to prison. As I felt like prison would negatively impact our bottom line, much to the chagrin of my investors, I called it quits. On a totally unrelated note, if any of you get a phone call from a man with a thick husky latino accent looking for a Berny Sanchez… just say “wrong number” and hang up. Totally unrelated.
Speaking of meth labs, monkeys, pirates, Christmas and Wall Street—my script has been reviewed by a top industry producer! He hated it so much that it caused him to lose hope in the business. He up and quit and has taken a vow of silence in a monastery somewhere in Tibet where no script will ever touch him again. In a strange way, I like to think that my script has already served a purpose in allowing him to make that difficult life change. I’ve taken the professional advice of an “insider” and decided to try and push my script on the Lifetime television network, because it is a Christmas movie after all. Lifetime eats that shiz up!
You all probably already noticed that this is the first year in who knows how long that I have not, in some indirect way, been involved with any 20/20 or Unsolved Mystery episodes. While I was getting face time on TV with previous gigs, it turns out that being investigated on countless murders and disappearances wasn’t giving me that “foot in the door” that I was looking for. But I make no promises for the coming year! ;) he he.
You know, as I string up the lights and decorate the tree with the wife and kids, I am reminded of Christmas’ past. I remember bundling up on snowy Christmas eves and driving down to Arby’s as a family. I remember dad, looking all festive in his Christmas sweater would buy like a gazillion ‘Five for Fives’ and we would box them up and head on down to the homeless shelter. At $2 a pop we made a good profit and feel good about feeding hungry people.
I’m older now. Heck, we’re all older. And the older you get, the more it seems to sink in how dangerous robots are. And I’ve decided that the best way to recognize a robot is by their thick heavy mustaches. Still, it wouldn’t be Christmas if the human race wasn’t in peril of being cooked by robot death rays. Wouldn’t be Christmas at all really.
And so, in conclusion, at this festive time of year Jts22, The Nurse, children #1, #2 and The Bubba love you all and are Wishing you a Merry Christmas free of any legal problems and a happy robot free New Years.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Maybe Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way...
So, we have six chickens.
That's cool.
What's not cool? The chickens don't seem to be fulfilling their end of the bargain. You know- the bargain- like, I feed and house them comfortably and they give me fresh eggs. There's not a whole lot of fine print in this contract. It's pretty cut and dry. And Farmer Me's chicken-patience is wearing pretty darn thinso. Ima bout to go all pollo loco on them.
To make matters worse, it appears that the lead hen, whom we adequately named "Bessie" has decided to go all transgender on us. In fact, she was recently diagnosed as a he. Meaning she's not a hen, she's a rooster. Which, honestly, we were starting to wonder. She was making all sorts of racket in the mornings lately. But it was strange cause it wasn't a true cockle-doodle-doo. It sounded more like a rooster being stepped on by a cow... baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! But if Bessie has been receiving hormone injections of testosterone, or maybe she did surgery... I'm not sure of her methods? Whatever, the transformation seems to be complete. She/he has the cockle-doodle-doo down pat now. Stupid hen-rooster-thingy.
So, things couldn't look worse for her now. With all of her gender confusion, she has "transitioned" her way right into the proverbial "hanging noose". That's not really metaphorical either- she's getting her throat slit this weekend. Neighbor proximity due to local suburban planning will simply not allow for a rooster and the accompanying noise. Even if it was technically a hen first. I'm guessing locals are even less likely to accept a gender confused chicken than a full fledged foul mouthed rooster.
But that's just me.
(Seriously, you other five hens, I'm watching you! I want eggs!!! And soon, or else...)
That's cool.
What's not cool? The chickens don't seem to be fulfilling their end of the bargain. You know- the bargain- like, I feed and house them comfortably and they give me fresh eggs. There's not a whole lot of fine print in this contract. It's pretty cut and dry. And Farmer Me's chicken-patience is wearing pretty darn thinso. Ima bout to go all pollo loco on them.
To make matters worse, it appears that the lead hen, whom we adequately named "Bessie" has decided to go all transgender on us. In fact, she was recently diagnosed as a he. Meaning she's not a hen, she's a rooster. Which, honestly, we were starting to wonder. She was making all sorts of racket in the mornings lately. But it was strange cause it wasn't a true cockle-doodle-doo. It sounded more like a rooster being stepped on by a cow... baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! But if Bessie has been receiving hormone injections of testosterone, or maybe she did surgery... I'm not sure of her methods? Whatever, the transformation seems to be complete. She/he has the cockle-doodle-doo down pat now. Stupid hen-rooster-thingy.
So, things couldn't look worse for her now. With all of her gender confusion, she has "transitioned" her way right into the proverbial "hanging noose". That's not really metaphorical either- she's getting her throat slit this weekend. Neighbor proximity due to local suburban planning will simply not allow for a rooster and the accompanying noise. Even if it was technically a hen first. I'm guessing locals are even less likely to accept a gender confused chicken than a full fledged foul mouthed rooster.
But that's just me.
(Seriously, you other five hens, I'm watching you! I want eggs!!! And soon, or else...)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)