Maybe Dreams Never Die... or Else They Die Real Hard (like Bruce Willis even)...

So, I’m certain that you have all seen the news of late—that the U.S. discovered a ring of 10 Russian spies coordinating here in the States. How awesome is that!? I mean, we grew up on Cold War U.S.A. vs Soviet spy movies and stories. I thought, quite mistakenly it seems, that after the Cold War ended and the U.S.S.R. went to crap, that all the fun spy stuff was over. I cannot appropriately express the elation I felt when I first read about the discovery of this super awesome, super secret Russian spy group! They were like exchanging large amounts of cash and stuff through spy-like exchanges (like burying the money in a field so another awesome spy could come along later and dig it up!) What the!??? Awesome! And don’t even get me going on the red head! She’s like posing as a journalist/real estate broker and has all these youtube videos and facebook and shiz! What the!?? Awesome! I ALWAYS thought I would be a spy when I grew up. In fact, (I should probably not post this publicly) I was part of a super secret spy team when I was a young boy. You would not believe the training we went through. Pretty sure I was even tortured once…? All I can say is “Green Bar Green Berets!!!”

Needless to say, the ending of the Cold War was devastating to my dream of becoming a spy. And the final dismantling of the Soviet Union simply crushed the dream completely. I didn’t want to go spy on Iran or Iraq or North Korea (heaven forbid!) I wanted to spy on good ol’ fashioned Russians! I wanted to see what those Red bastards were up to! I wanted to take awesome pictures with a sleek super mini super subtle super awesome spy cam and send those bad boys back to headquarters and hear the praises from my station chief about how good my pictures were and how they were helping our country be more awesome than Russia (which is totally true). I wanted to establish awesome contacts and awesome assets and use them to my leisure and when I had bled them for any awesome spy info or resource, toss them out with yesterday’s paper (which may or may not have contained an awesome secret spy message in the “Want-ads” section)… you’ll never know.

Anyway, as soon as I found out about these recent spies… I hit the treadmill of course! My dream is back on baby! I have to be in tip top shape if I am going to get into the resurrected spy game! (Just don’t tell The Nurse, she thinks I’m exercising cause I’m fat and just want to get back to my Brad Pitt-like physique. She doesn’t really know about the whole spy thing). So…

Future blog posts may be encrypted messages to possible contacts. Do not try to make sense of them. Silly non-spy people.

Maybe Will The Real Daddy Please Stand up...

Okay- this so spot-on I just had to share...

Maybe, The More You Know...

During all this World Cup hullabaloo someone was asking me, do you think that soccer will finally become a mainstream sport in the United States? My answer? Um... no. And this is partially why...


Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

So... there you have it. Straight from the news.

Maybe, Whew! That was a close one!!!

Saw this on ksl.com today, and just like you, my first impulse was like, "Oh no! Amy Strong!" Turns out, it wasn't Amy. So... good news.

(But I mean, totally coulda been! right?)

Maybe It's Dinner Time...

I once swallowed a worm whole. My three older brothers and I were all doing it. Pretty sure it was based on a dare.


I once ate cat food and dog food. Again with my brothers. Again, most likely based on a dare.



I once swallowed a live gold fish whole. Wasn’t based on a dare. More for shock value than anything.


I once cooked up and ate a very large grasshopper on a scout camp. Cause that’s what dumb brainless boys do on scout camps. I just remember the initial crunch and then the gooey inside. It was hard to swallow.



I once ate cow stomach. Well more than once actually. Everyone tells you that everyone else makes it wrong and you just have to try theirs—they make the best menudo! Don’t believe them.


I once ate seviche (raw- truly raw- fish marinated in lime juice). I had diarrhea and threw up for five days straight. I have never, ever, not ever, been that sick in my life.


I once ate the head of a cow. The whole head just sitting there at the center of the table. Eye balls, lips, face meat, tongue… the whole kit and caboodle. I wish I had thought to eat the eyes first… it just stared at me through the entire meal.


I once ate blood sausage. It was awful. I cannot stress that enough.


I once ate rattle snake. It was the complement to the blood sausage. It did not do its job.


I once ate pig brains (cesos). They were like salty oatmeal spread out on a tortilla. I don’t like oatmeal… and pig brains are just like salty oatmeal, so… ?



I never ate food with cat hair and cockroaches in it. The Nurse has though—that woman is crazy! There are just some things you shouldn't eat girl! I’m not bragging about any of this. I simply think it’s remarkable what we humans will ingest.

Maybe My Stack of Letters 2.0....

New batch, fresh for the postman... er postwoman... postperson... whateva.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear cat owners,

Go to hell!!!

I’m sorry… I’m sorry. That was a knee-jerk reaction. Listen, can we talk? I feel like I need to tell you that the world is not your kitties litter box. And neither is my yard. Why is it that dogs get the bad rap on wandering neighborhoods and cats just get a free pass? My cat owning neighbors like hate us cause our dog pooped on their lawn a couple of times. Guess what? Cats roam the frickin’ neighborhood more than dogs!!! We have like three cats currently using our flower beds as their own personal kitty box. Not once or twice… morning, afternoon and evening. Day in and day out. Please do not be surprised if the cat population in Santaquin suddenly drops by three.

With all my love,

Me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dr. Pepper People,

For the love of all that is holy- bring back the ‘Berries and Cream’!!! You are sadists. There is no other explanation. Why else would you create such goodness, let the world taste it, and then yank it away with no explanation?

That’s just mean.

Jerks.

Deeply yours,

Me

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Twilight People,

Just stop.

You knew this was coming. Don’t pretend like you didn’t. Like the current tight pants fad, this has gone on way too long. My 7-year old is reading a book series called Junie B. Jones: First Grader that has more drama, humor and heart than this steamy pile of… [mother’s edit]. Just… let me get this straight, in Stephanie Meyer’s ideal world real men sparkle? Um…like a disco ball, er something? I mean, that’s weird, right? And kind of creepy too? You Twilight fans… you have given me a new direction in life. As a man who loves freedom and democracy, I have committed myself to becoming the single all powerful dictator of a totalitarian United States for the sole purpose of having the power to wipe the existence of Twilight from our history books. After I’m done with that, we can totally go back to all the freedom and the Constitution stuff.

No seriously, just stop,

Me

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ninjas (again),

I was pretty sure we had cleared things up last time? What the hell? Do you even open your mail? You guys think you’re so cool. Well… guess what? Jokes on you. Morons. You just look stupid running around in your little pajama suits and being all stealth and sneaking up on me and beating me up. It’s not funny anymore. It’s just creepy. Like on a Creepy Scale of 17.0 (with 17 being like a pedophile and 0 being a cute cuddly baby) you guys are topping out right around 13.4. That’s seriously creep-O. So stop.

Hugs and kisses,

Me

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Good ol boys, Red necks, white

trash and all supporters of the mullet,

There is something to be admired in your courage and determination. That said, even the Japanese finally surrendered. The mullet, in all its majesty, has stayed its hour. It’s done. The “party in back” is over… and there is no after-party party. Take one last picture and then cut it off. I speak especially to the femullets. My gosh those things are awful! Some people have style, some people have bad style, and some people have no style. And the femullet is totally something else. Somewhere not even on the “style spectrum”. We love you. We love the vigor and valor… no matter how misguided. But we collectively shout “CUT IT OFF!!!” For real… no seriously… go on… should’ve been done like twenty years ago.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Childhood Friends,

Remember how at sleepovers we used to put the hand of the first person to fall asleep in warm water to try and make them wet the bed? Too funny! And remember that time we decided to try to take it a step further, so we boiled the water for like ten minutes and then stuck that kids hand in it!!! He did more than pee his pants! Remember how he had those third degree burns and had to get skin grafts and was like in the hospital forever? And remember how our parents had to collectively settle that frivolous little law suit to cover his medical costs? Oh my gosh! We had some good times. Dang we were funny. I miss you guys.

All my love,

Me

Maybe Things Are Really Getting Goofy Up In Here...

Perusing ksl.com today, I stumbled upon another gem:

Attorney defends client in lawsuit against Google

Quote from the woman's lawyer:

"What the jury would do someday, we believe, is determine that Google had a duty to reasonably lead her to a safe path"

Of course Google has a responsibility to take care of us!!! Just like the government has a responsibility to pay my mortgage, cover my health insurance, and provide my education!!! Everyone MUST take care of me and I have no responsibility for myself. EVERYONE MUST TAKE CARE OF ME DAMMIT!!! ME! ME!! ME!!!

This country is rapidly turning into one big joke!