Maybe They Are Mortal... ?

But I doubt it.

A moment of silence please.

One of the greats has fallen.

A sad day for demon children of the world everywhere.

R.I.P. (that’s- ROCK in Peace!) Ronnie James Dio.

What can be said of the man who confused an entire generation by shrieking the lyrics “Like a rainbow in the dark!” Rockers everywhere would headbang to the heavy beats of the drums and the shrieks of the guitar solos… but found themselves confused about a minute into the song. “Did he say ‘rainbow in the dark’? What does that mean?” We loved the “in the dark” part, but we weren’t so sure about the “rainbows”. Nevertheless, Ronnie encouraged us to rock… even if we didn’t know what the hell he meant. And while the gay community as a whole has accosted the rainbow as their universal symbol of free sexuality… rockers everywhere defy that stigma and shout in unison “Ronnie gave us the rainbow first!”

The not so public part of Ronnie’s life was a personal struggle. He suffered from a rare disorder called “Indexfinginitis”, more commonly known as compulsive finger pointing disorder. After creeping out front row crowds by pointing at them over and over and over and over again, Ronnie’s stage manager John “Buck” Rogers decided they needed to take action. He remembers when they first confronted Ronnie. “He was a mess, stumbling around the hotel room in a drunkin stupor. Sobbing and screaming. ‘You don’t understand!!!’ he kept telling me. It was crazy. We saw a lot of doctors, a psychologist, a taro hooker and a shaman. Nothing seemed to fix it. And Ronnie just suffered. Finally, Jax Biggins one of our roadies suggested maybe Ronnie could point at the back of the crowd once in a while too. Maybe the front rowers wouldn’t’ be so creeped out. And guess what… it worked.” Ronnie would go on to establish the first National Compulsive Fingerpointers Recovery Group… despite the fact that doctors are certain that no such disorder actually exists. Ronnie’s name remains the single name on the NCFRG list to this day.

The latest news reports are showing that cigarette lighters everywhere are selling out in droves to be raised in loving memory of this god of Rock and permmed hair. “This is the third store I’ve tried,” said a frustrated Bob Jenkey, an 82-year old smoker. “Damn kids and their rock music! This James Dino guy was a pain in my butt while he was alive with his loud music and long hair. And now he’s still buggin’ me in his death. Hells bells!”

Kimmie-Jean “Dott” Whitters, Dio’s trusted keeper of his colossal coiffure was seen sobbing on a friends shoulder at a cigarette lighter vigil. “I dunno wut I’m gonna do now,” she said through groans. “All ah know is thuh perm. Ain’t noboby wantin’ perms anymore. Just my Dio.” Dott is offering the Dio perm for $5 on a promotional basis for the next month. Though she was cautious about how much business that might bring in- “I can’t have too many customers though, else they’s gonna cancel my guvment checks.” Rock on Dott… Rock on.

So, on this gloomy day, as we bid farewell, let us raise our lighters high one last time and rock “like a rainbow in the dark”! (Whatever the hell that means).

(Oh yah... and I think he was in Black Sabbath er something).